Saturday Night Live‘s first episode of the election year opened with James Austin Johnson’s Donald Trump bragging that he’s “more cognitive than ever,” and that his campaign has “seen a lot of success with saying things that did not happen.”
The Republican frontrunner spoke to the press outside a New York courthouse, where he is facing a defamation lawsuit from E. Jean Carroll, a woman who a jury already determined that he sexually abused and who he can’t stop attacking.
After being introduced by his lawyer in the case, Alina Habba (Chloe Fineman), Trump commented, “You’re great on TV. Maybe the worst lawyer I’ve ever had, which is quite an accomplishment.”
And as for the rest of his legal team who stood in the background: “This is the bottom of the barrel, folks. This is who said yes. I’m in the lead for president, and this is the best I can get. Feels like a red flag, no?”
Trump then praised Vivek Ramaswamy, the biotech entrepreneur who withdrew from the race this week. Ramaswamy “has agreed to live in my suit pocket,” Trump said proudly, patting his jacket. “I love my little Ratatouille.”
“As you can see, I am doing very well cognitively. Doing great with cognitive. I think I’m doing great with cognitive. I’m more cognitive than ever,” he went on, a day after Trump — who keeps bringing up how he “aced” a cognitive test — confused Nikki Haley for Nancy Pelosi at a campaign stop in New Hampshire.
“The doctors said, ‘Sir, you have to be in the top 99% of all the concussion and dementia people we give this test to,’” Trump went on. “I said, ‘Wow, I guess I’m very good at recognizing elephants. Who knew?’ And now we’re here. And this is the campaign, folks. This is all there is: me yelling in a courthouse lobby standing behind barricade like a Guatemalan family at JFK passenger pickup.”
“I’m back in a big way. I’m back, like Mean Girls,” Trump continued, referring to the film that came out earlier this month, and whose co-star, Reneé Rapp, was SNL‘s musical host.
Trump then outlined his campaign strategy for the coming months.
“We’ve seen a lot of success with saying things that did not happen. I think we’ll continue to do that. It’s an innovation I’m particularly proud of. Seems to be working very well,” he said. “That’s why I’m not doing any debates and barely doing election. I don’t need to.”
“My people love me. I got the old people. They’re waiting in snow for two hours to vote for Trump,” he continued, before alluding to his comments to Iowans ahead of the caucus last Monday.
“We just need them to stay alive until November. Stay alive until November. Just pull that lever and drop dead. Why? Because I am sent by God, and God has a plan for me, or whatever.”
The next twelve months, Trump concluded, “is going to be a very exciting year.”
“I’m either going to jail, be president, or frankly, the purge,” he said. “Perhaps all three. Let’s spin the chamber.”
